First Time
by ErinNovelist
Summary: Merlin always wanted the first "I love you" to be special, that's why he had made these plans, but the citizens of Camelot just couldn't let him have this one moment, could they? Merlin/Morgana Het Canon AU (Book cover by the lovely and amazing angellla29 on The Heart of Camelot .com)


Title: The First Time  
Category: Het (Canon AU)  
Characters: Merlin/Morgana  
Ratings: K+  
Summary: Merlin always wanted the first "I love you" to be special, that's why he had made these plans, but the citizens of Camelot just couldn't let him have this one moment, could they?

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Book Cover by the lovely angellla at The Heart of Camelot .com 3

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If there were one way to describe love, Merlin couldn't figure it out for the life of him.

The dreamers believed it to be the one thing that freed one from all the pain in life. They said it was worth fighting for, risking everything for it. They advised one to keep their heart open, because when it came to matters of the heart, the bigger the risk equaled a greater reward. One could be blissfully happy with love, but it did not entitle perfection.

For the dreamers, falling in love was the easiest action to accomplish, but for the cynics, it was a risky business.

The cynics followed the belief that one must learn to guard their heart. They said that love wasn't worth fighting for because there was a chance one might get hurt. To them, love was a distraction, pulling them away from reality to satisfy the needs of the body which raged with hormones. They kept their heads held high and never let the visions of two people embracing or a tender touch faze them. They assumed that it was a good way to go about life, focusing on the more important aspects of society instead of immersing one's self on finding their One.

Did one even have the ability to open and close their heart? No matter when they went, what they did, or who they were, did it always come down to what made their heart happy? Is it true that nothing mattered at the end of the day but love? If so, why did so many people struggle to find love? Could it really be found? Was love like all matters of the heart: could it simply exist and be available to only those who choose to look for it?

For Merlin, it really didn't matter. He had found love; he knew it existed. For instance, he knew that if he didn't love her, he would not feel his chest ache at the thought of leaving her. He would not get the butterflies in the pit of his stomach the first time he ever heard the sound of her laughter, like trilling bells echoing and creating a symphony from the vast nothingness of his life. He would not get sweaty palms the first time he saw her, and the second, third, and so on and so forth until they were both fully comfortable feeling this way – feeling loved completely by another person. His heart wouldn't race the first time he kissed her, passion sparking his nerves.

Love was part of being human. Thinking and feeling, knowing and loving – it was these traits that made human beings real and whole. They made them complete, and it was horrendous how many times these traits could break them as well. They healed and destroyed. It was uncanny really, quite frightening too, but they made them human.

Love made everything possible for Merlin. He didn't know where he would be without it. There was only one problem,

She didn't know he loved her.

As the air turned cool and the Yuletide passed by, winter falling upon Camelot seemingly overnight, covering it in a blanket of white, the frigid atmosphere freezing fingers and the citizens feared for frostbite, Merlin decided to change it.

It was a few months since Arthur and Merlin and their friends retook Camelot from Morgause after she seized the kingdom using an immortal army gifted to her from King Cenrad. Everything had returned to normalcy, including Morgana. Merlin still cringed when he remembered her hatred and anger when she returned a year after he poisoned her – when she was in league with Morgause. Her half-sister had spent that time brainwashing the young woman, turning her against her friends and family. When Merlin finally explained his intentions for the poisoning, Morgana had begun to doubt her sister, disbelieving that she could have placed her as a hold for the sleeping spell that had taken Camelot, forcing Merlin's hand. Working close with Morgana, Merlin managed to convince her that she was welcomed and that she had nothing to fear from Camelot. He told her the truth about his magic and the tales of Arthur, the Once and Future King destined to bring magic back to the land where his and her kind could be accepted.

Morgana turned against her sister, effectively becoming a double agent. She played her part of overtaking Camelot while Merlin and Arthur hunted for the Cup of Life, but when Morgause attacked Uther, rendering his mind fragile and him a broken man, Morgana couldn't keep her true loyalities a secret any longer. She turned against her sister the same time Arthur and his rag-tag army stormed the castle. Between the forces of the Prince, the Knights, and two sorcerers, Camelot was saved, and Morgause disappeared after Merlin fatally injured her.

Things were healing now; the kingdom was flourishing after the winter months, but Merlin knew one person who wasn't embracing the mood. Morgana had sometimes played her role too well this past year, and some people still believed she would betray Camelot. Merlin knew differently; the Lady Morgana was still loved, and he loved her the most. He only needed to convince her of that himself.

Arthur had given him the day off, which was a rarity in itself, and Merlin had planned it all out. They would camp out in the physician's chambers, heated by the roaring fire, where no one could find them since their relationship had to be kept a secret. Morgana always liked it when they went to low-key places just to spend time together. He had wanted to get on his knees and proclaim just how he felt about her, to be bear his heart on his sleeve. To tell her everything in a long and thought-out speech consisting of metaphors of beauty and similes of kindness.

Sadly, it didn't work out that way.

The Lady Morgana had overheard a simple peasant make a comment about her loyalties and it caused the young woman to rant all night long, effectively ruining Merlin's make-shift picnic. Not that he minded. He was still with the woman he loved.

"It just makes me so angry!" Morgana proclaimed, running a hand through her long, dark tresses. "I don't understand how people can treat me like this!" She snuggled deeper into her shawl, shivering in the nonexistent breeze. "Why can't they believe that I didn't betray Camelot?"

Merlin shrugged, his cerulean eyes glinting as he commented simply, "They just don't know you like I do. They don't understand, Morgana."

"Well how can I prove it to them?" she retorted.

"Just give them time."

The brunette snorted at the advice, rolling her eyes and stared at the ceiling as a distraction. "You don't understand, Merlin." She paused, shaking her head. "It's been months. They will never change their views towards me."

Merlin sighed and focused on Morgana in front of him. "I may not understand completely, but I know what you're going through. Even if I didn't, you know I will always be here to support you through all of this."

A small smile graced her face. "Thank you, Merlin."

Merlin grinned brightly and slung an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to his chest. They reclined back into the pile of blankets behind them, and Morgana nestled her hand in the crook of his neck, breathing deeply. Merlin bit his lip, wanting to say everything he could, but he knew she just needed reassurance right now. He wouldn't have traded that moment for anything. Love didn't need to be expressed because Merlin knew how he felt.

"Do you really think they'll accept me someday?" she questioned softly.

Merlin cringed slightly, taking her hand in his own. He knew she wasn't just talking about her loyalties – it involved her magic as well. "It'll be alright, Morgana, I promise." She nodded, blowing out a long breath, and Merlin continued with, "I am always going to be here for you. No matter what happens. If you aren't accepted and are forced to run, I will come with you, but it won't come to that."

He tilted her chin so that it was level with his gaze. "You are a beautiful and strong woman, and people will come around because of who you are. Don't try to change for them, just be yourself, and you'll convince and just make me love you even more."

"Really?" she said, a wide grin building.

"Yes. I love you, Morgana, every single thing about you, so don't change just to fit their standards. If they can't see who you truly are, hell with it. You're perfect the way you are."

A bright smile lit up Morgana's face and she bit her lip. "You know, that's the first time you told me you loved me?"

Merlin paused, hesitating, but then leaned down and captured her lips in his own. When he pulled away, he rested his forehead on hers. "I know, and I mean it. I love you Morgana."


End file.
